I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
October already? What’s next? November????
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
That’s what I call a flat tire
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!