I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!