I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.