i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.