I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
i choose….tongue
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”