@malt_skull

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

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@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

@UtahMomsLife

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

@_The_Leftovers_

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@Marlebean

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

@sfreeze6

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

@GroovyTasia

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

@HickoryHaggis

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@HavocMantis

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.