@malt_skull

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

@mommy_cusses

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

@OrangeFact

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

@jackiembouvier

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

@david8hughes

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

@DragonflyJonez

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

@RobDenBleyker

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

@timdonakowski

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.