I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like