I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

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Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.


She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue


[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.


Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.


[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand


College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens


Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.


Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”


They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.


When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.