I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.


My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.


To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.


Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy


One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.


In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.


Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..


*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.