I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
You Might Also Like
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
The Birdles