I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*