I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You know I’m something of a chef myself
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry