I hydrated. Surrender now.
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I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount