“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.