i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.