I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
“A little help here, Danny?”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.