I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Comedians: if you鈥檙e not offending someone you鈥檙e not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that鈥檚 the problem. It鈥檚 not the photographers fault and that鈥檚 extra scary to me because there鈥檚 a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I鈥檓 not allowed to watch yet.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we鈥檙e deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn鈥檛 you?
Me: Yes.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.