Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bingowings14

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

@Shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@noneofyours99

When you let grandma cat sit

@DonS05O4

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

@notfunnyelle

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

@yenniwhite

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

@MarfSalvador

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

@Darlainky

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.