I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.


I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.


If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.


“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.


Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??


my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing


As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.


Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that


If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.