I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.