I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city: