@ddsmidt

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

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@Skoog

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

@Tmoney68

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

@StellaGMaddox

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@TheRolo

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

@Dad_At_Law

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@crunchenhanced

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

@ParentNormal

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year