satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year