I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
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A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
reviewed some movies recently
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”