I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.