@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

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Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

@JohnLyonTweets

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

@Reverend_Scott

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

@OhNoSheTwitnt

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

@BuckyIsotope

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

@envydatropic

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

@stahhboy

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics