@bazecraze
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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@JohnLyonTweets Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
@CulturedRuffian Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
@ShortSleeveSuit NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
@Reverend_Scott teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
@OhNoSheTwitnt CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
@BuckyIsotope HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
@envydatropic Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
@stahhboy When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
@PoodleSnarf Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics