I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex