I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
no their not
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
#DesignFail
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis