I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
just make the entire table out of coaster
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery