I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“you changed” bro i was 15
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses