I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
what does he know…
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.