Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Just parrot things

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

dads on road-trips be like

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location