I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
me: you know, no dressing.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Just parrot things
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
dads on road-trips be like
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Them: You’re burnt out.
T: You need a break
T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?
T: Hell no.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location