I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano