I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?