I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.


I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.


There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.


Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.


“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car


If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.


I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”


Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.


Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.


Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.