@MandaDeen

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

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@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@XplodingUnicorn

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

@noog

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

@noog

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

@NikiWithIssues

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@AllHailJerry

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.