I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Everyone’s family
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church