I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*


The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.


yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively


Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!


My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”


I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.


Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that