@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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@thepaulasuzanne

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

@junejuly12

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

@TheCatWhisprer

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

@ch000ch

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

@Uffdafuckingda

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

@jwoodham

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

@OllyiConic

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.