I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.


As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day


Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.


*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation


Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.


Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.


[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole


[hole opens in the ground]


MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?


Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.