@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

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@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@JohnLyonTweets

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

@wildethingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@kyry5

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

@ACartoonCat

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that