I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Solving a traffic jam
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping