I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.