I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
mentally somewhere in italy
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
it must be school picture day