I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.