I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.