I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Oh thanks BBC.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I feel seen
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.