I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Chicken bread
Discuss
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
dictator is short for richard potato
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.