I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.