I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?