I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
this is how life feels
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.