I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Brilliant!
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.