I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I have a black belt in leather
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”