I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
The Joker was right
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*