I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. đł
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: itâs just⊠i was trying to sound tough
villain: iâm always doing my best
agent: i know. youâre doing great
villain: thanks
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Itâs not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever thereâs a knock on the front door
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me- Tonightâs menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with âbye-byeâ? NO.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancĂ© deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that donât want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: whatâs that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think itâs to keep out ants
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we donât) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I donât trust anything out of a toddlerâs mouth
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too