I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder