I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
And now we wait
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.