I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Gods work.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
c’mon!