I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,