I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You Might Also Like
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.