I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then