I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.