HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up
Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please