[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
buys donuts instead
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.