[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.


*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.


[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall


Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.


we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too


Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.


Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk


Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.


Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please