I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.